The Secret Life of the Hetalian Teenager
by Dragon Silhouette
Summary: Hetalian teenagers are not normal. It is an absolute fact. Now, dump them all together in one town and throw in a Canadian from a normal city... Well, let's just say the police - and the adult population in general - have officially become useless. [First Arc: The Kirkland Manor]
1. Welcome to the Axis Powers of Hetalia

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. I also don't own the layout for the Facebook parts. That belongs to Sascha-Gero (see: _The Internet Killed The Video Star_). I am only going to say that last part once, since I doubt I'll remember to put that in in the later chapters.**

**THIS IS INSPIRED BY: Sascha-Gero's _The Internet Killed The Video Star_. The first arc might seem similar to her Jeanette arc, but it _will_ be different. As for the rest... Well, I think I can guarantee they're different :)**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Welcome to the Axis Powers of Hetalia**

**(First Arc: The Kirkland Manor)**

- August 20th

* * *

Madeline Williams stared out of the car.

"You okay, honey?" asked her mom, Abby Williams.

"Y – Yes." She fiddled with the beret her cousin Francis had given her. Moving into a new town and a new school had always made her nervous, but this time not only was she anxious, she was also giddy. This was the town where her twin sister Amelia was living in. Her mom didn't exactly want to live in the same town with her ex-husband – that was the reason they moved away in the first place! – but the house she had bought in Hetalia was the nearest to her new workplace, which happened to be in the next town forty-five kilometres away. She did not like having to drive an hour every day, but the town where her work was didn't have a house or an apartment (or even a hotel room!) for sale, so this was the next best thing.

Her mom took comfort in the fact that at least she will not be living in the same house as her ex-husband.

Madeline sighed. She felt really bad for Amelia. She had drawn the short end of the stick and got stuck with their father. Now, Madeline loved her father with all her heart, but _only_ because he was her father. Nate Jones wasn't exactly enjoyable to be around back when he was still with her mom, but ever since the divorce, he had turned to drinking his sorrows away everyday and spending the money her mom sent over on gambling. According to Amelia, she barely even lived with the man anymore. She was staying with a good family friend of theirs: the Kirklands.

"We're almost there," her mom said with forced cheerfulness.

Madeline looked out of the window again and caught sight of a sign.

_Welcome to Hetalia  
A Town of History_

* * *

**Madeline Williams:** Is arriving in five minutes :)

[**Amelia F. Jones** _and_ **6** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** Awesome! We haven't seen each other in what, seven years?

**Madeline Williams:** Eight.

**Amelia F. Jones:** Aww, I missed you~

**Arthur Kirkland:** It's good to see you again, Madeline.

**Madeline Williams:** Thanks, Arthur :)

**Francis Bonnefoy:** I missed you too~ Do I get a virtual hug?

**Madeline Williams:** *gives virtual hug*

**Francis Bonnefoy:** Merci~

**Adrian Kirkland:** Good ta see ya again, lass.

**Madeline Williams:** Hi, Adrian!

**Amelia F. Jones:** Ask Mom if it's cool if we help you unpack.

**Madeline Williams:** She says yes.

[**Arthur Kirkland** _and_ **6** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** Yesss~ See ya at the house!

**Madeline Williams:** You all know the address, right?

**Francis Bonnefoy:** Oui.

* * *

Madeline heaved the suitcase out of the trunk and carefully put it down on the driveway. It was surprisingly heavy. What in the world did her mom put in there?

"Maddie~!" a familiar voice called out.

She turned and got a face full of blonde hair and happy smiles for her trouble. "Ah! A – Amelia!"

"Aren't you gonna hug your heroic sister back?"

Madeline rolled her eyes and tried her best to squeeze the life out of her twin. She was not successful.

"Madeline~!" Francis walked elegantly to the driveway, followed by Arthur and his four other siblings. "It is so good to see you, ma cousine."

"Bonjour, Francis," she greeted, letting go of Amelia. "You too, Arthur, Adrian, Auryn, Aiden, Peter..."

"Good afternoon, Madeline." Arthur cuffed Peter on his head. "Go on, help her with the bags."

Peter snorted, grabbed the lightest bag he could find, and dragged it inside the house.

"Oh, you're all here." Her frazzled mother popper her head out of the doorway. "Hello, dears. Would you mind bringing in all the other bags inside?"

"Sure, Mom." Amelia took the heaviest bag of the pile and effortlessly started dragging it in. Madeline wondered when the hell she got so strong.

"She started taking weight training," Arthur explained. He picked up a suitcase and walked into the house, the rest of his brothers following with loads on their shoulders.

Madeline glanced at the last bag – a small handbag – and picked it up. She wasn't going to complain.

* * *

"Amelia," her mom said carefully, setting a tray of lemonade on the table, "how is... your father?"

Amelia stiffened. "He's... fine."

Ms. Williams forced herself to say, "Good."

Awkward silence.

"So, Maddie!" Amelia turned to her sister with a big smile. "School's in two weeks, so we gotta introduce you to the gang."

"The gang?"

"The Axis Powers of Hetalia," Aiden answered, sipping his lemonade.

"What's that?"

Setting down his scone, Arthur said, "Hetalia is an extremely history-oriented town. About seventy years ago, the students of Hetalia Secondary had separated themselves into two groups – the Axis Powers of Hetalia and the Allied Powers of Hetalia – to commemorate World War II and the soldiers dying for their countries. The students pit themselves against each other in a year-round competition of sorts. They competed for the title for the side with the highest GPA, the best athletic skill, the best artistic skill, et cetera. This raised the school average so much that the school decided to keep this tradition, even though it should have ended when the war ended."

_Sounds a lot like Harry Potter,_ Madeline thought.

Francis smiled. "We are all part of the Axis Powers. Would you like to join?"

"M – Me?" Madeline looked down at her lemonade, suddenly self-conscious. The rivalry sounded really important, and she was afraid she would mess up somehow. It wouldn't be the first time she got kicked out of a club because of her shyness...

"Oui. To be part of the group, a member must invite you to join and five others must acknowledge you as a part of the Axis Powers. I think the Allies have a different way of granting someone their membership, but that is irrelevant." Francis nodded at the five teens in the room (Peter scowled). "We have five others of the Axis Powers here, and I'm sure they will acknowledge you as a part of the group. Oui?"

Mumbles of "Yes" came from the boys and one girl.

"Then it is settled." Francis clapped his hands. "Welcome to the Axis Powers of Hetalia, Madeline Williams."

* * *

**Madeline Williams** _has joined the group _**The Axis Powers of Hetalia.**

**Ivan Braginski:** We have a new member~!

**Sakura Honda:** Welcome, Williams-san.

**Yao Wang:** One for the Axis Powers!

**Mathias Densen:** Awesome!

**Amelia F. Jones:** We're so gonna kick the Allies' asses this year!

[**Gilbert Beilschmidt** _and_ **21** _others like this_]

**Kyle Walker:** Too right!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Kesese~ This will be our year.

**Madeline Williams:** Thank you :)

* * *

**#1: The Kirkland Manor = HetaOni Mansion  
(what could be lurking inside...?)**

* * *

So, since this is a long author's note, I've **bolded the important parts. Please read at least those.**

Did you get the slight historical significance in Amelia's and Madeline's parents' names?  
Nate – _Nat_ive America  
Abby – _Ab_original  
Clever author is clever.

-The little town of Hetalia is set in an unspecified country. They are **in a neutral country** (like Switzerland). So I can push all of them into the Axis side of WWII without any of them yelling that they're on the wrong side or something.  
-I'm sure you can guess who the majority of the characters are, so here's one or two you might not be able to recognize either because I completely made the name up (they're not OCs!), or they are gender-bent. I will be posting this whenever I introduce a new character:

**New Characters:  
Madeline Williams (f) - Canada  
Amelia F. Jones (f) - America  
Arthur Kirkland (m) - England  
Francis Bonnefoy (m) - France  
Kyle Walker (m) - Australia**  
**Adrian Kirkland (m) – Scotland**  
**Auryn Kirkland (m) – Wales**  
**Aiden Kirkland (m) – Ireland  
Peter Kirkland (m) - Sealand  
Ivan Braginski (m) - Russia  
Sakura Honda (f) - Japan  
Yao Wang (m) - China  
Mathias Densen (m) - Denmark  
Gilbert Beilschmidt (m) - Prussia  
**

If you want the entire character roster I have so far (I think I have around forty or fifty), I can PM it to you if you want.

Okay, hope you like that! I know I broke the rules a bit, but it _is_ kind of important. Besides, the majority will be written in normal form. Facebook will only be used... when I feel like it.

**MORE IMPORTANT STUFF: (really, this is a list for the future arcs, please bear with me)**

**First Arc: The Kirkland Manor**  
**Second Arc: The Williams Murder**  
**Third Arc: The Beilschmidt Heist**  
**Fourth Arc: The Vargas Paintings**  
**Fifth Arc: The Braginski Experiment**

If it all goes well, I will be planning more arcs.  
So review, please!

PS: There will be **a suspicious absence of police and adult presence **at appropriate times.**  
**


	2. Meeting the Axis Powers

**Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Meeting the Axis Powers**

**(First Arc: The Kirkland Manor)**

- September 3rd

* * *

Amelia waved a hand at the massive brick building and grinned at Madeline. "Behold! Hetalia Secondary!"

Madeline gazed up at the school in amazement. It was four stories high with solid red brick and white marble pillars as its base. Numerous French windows lined the walls, each showing a peek of the classrooms inside the obviously grand secondary school. The lawns looked slightly overgrown, but she could see the faint outline of a gardener operating a lawn mower near a soccer field.

There were maybe fifty students lingering outside the building. According to Amelia, there were only five hundred teens currently enrolled in the school - all of them town kids - despite the size of the building. Hetalia Elementary had another five hundred children (apparently, that school also has the Axis/Allied Powers thing going on). Despite the great education and amazing diversity, its remote location made it hard to get known outside of their area.

"Come on." Amelia tugged on her sleeve. "You've got a lot of people to meet. There's Ludwig and Feliciano and Sakura and Yao and Vash and – "

"Amelia!" a voice rang out from the doors. "Are you harassing the new student?"

"She's my sis!" Amelia shouted back.

A stocky blond boy with blue eyes and a stern demeanor marched up to them (yes, march). There was another boy behind him, all brown-haired and grinning and waving and spouting out "Ve~!"

The blond halted and studied Madeline. After an uncomfortable fifteen seconds, he said, "Welcome to Hetalia Secondary. You are the new member of the Axis?"

She nodded, too intimidated to speak.

"Stop being Nazi, Ludwig." Amelia slung an arm over Madeline. "It's her first day. She's got to meet everyone and I have to be there to protect her. The Allies might, I don't know, brainwash her or something."

A blonde girl dragging a nervous-looking boy with her interjected, "Which is, like, totally not cool." She gave Madeline a peace sign. "Felka Łukasiewicz. And this," she gestured at the boy, "is, like, Toris Lorinaitis, my boyfriend."

The boy, Toris, blushed.

"Nice to meet you," Madeline said politely.

"Kesesese~ New kid!" A silver-haired teen swaggered up to them with a cute little bird in tow. "Bow down to the awesome me, Gilbert Beilschmidt!"

Madeline wasn't sure whether he was being serious or not.

"Gilbert," Ludwig sighed.

"Don't worry, brother!" Gilbert let out another laugh. "I won't traumatize her."

"You better not," Amelia threatened, "'cause I still have some of Arthur's scones."

Gilbert paled.

* * *

**Amelia F. Jones:** Is introducing sis to the Axis

[**Sadiq Annan** _and_ **12** _others like this_]

**Tino Väinämöinen:** She is the blonde one with the twintails, right?"

**Francis Bonnefoy:** Oui.

**Frida Steilsson:** I have not met her yet...

**Amelia F. Jones:** You're not in any of her classes yet. Wait for lunch.

**Roderich Edelstein:** Did Madeline take any of the music programs?

**Madeline Williams:** No.

**Roderich Edelstein:** Shame.

**Ivan Braginski:** I will be looking forward to meeting you, da~? ^J^

**Amelia F. Jones:** Oh yeah. Braginski is in the Axis.

**Natalya Arlovskaya:** Is there a problem, Jones?

**Amelia F. Jones:** ... No.

**Carlos Machado:** What a hero.

**Amelia F. Jones:** Heroine.

* * *

"And that's Roderich Edelstein," Amelia rattled off, somehow managing to chow down on food while at it. "He's the head of our music branch. And that's Feliciano Vargas – you already met him – he's the head of our arts – like, drawing and painting and sculpting – branch. There's Sakura Honda, who's the head of our media arts branch – Hey, Francis!" She waved at the blond boy. "Get your ass over here." She turned back to her sister. "Francis's the head of our foods branch and Eeva Von Bock over there is the head of the technology branch; she's a genius in electronics. Felka's the head of the sewing and clothes designing – Oh! There's Kyle Walker, who's like an expert with animals; he has a pet koala and there's rumours going around that he also has a pet kangaroo."

"Amelia, stop bombarding her with people and eat with your mouth shut," Arthur scolded, sliding into the seat beside the American. "The poor girl's having enough trouble retaining information without having to watch your mouth."

Amelia pouted. "But I'm hungry." As if to prove her point, she gathered an enormous amount of salad and shoved it into her mouth.

Laura Naertens, a Belgian girl, stopped in front of their table and whispered, "Hey guys, did you hear?"

Amelia looked up. "What?"

"The Allies gave us the Challenge today. Like, twenty minutes ago. To Ludwig Beilschmidt."

Arthur choked on his scone. "The Challenge? On our first day?"

Laura nodded. "Yeah."

"Who did you hear this from?"

"I heard it from Elizaveta, who heard it from Antonio, who heard it from Tamarine, who heard it from Lars, who heard it from Tino, who heard it from Lukas, who heard it from Vash, who heard it from Katyusha, who heard it from Eeva, who heard it from Auryn, who heard it from Lovino, who heard it from Feliciano, who overheard Ludwig talking to the head of the Allies."

Francis looked stunned. "Do you know what it is?"

Laura shook her head. "No. Apparently, Feliciano was dragged away by Lovino before he could hear more."

Madeline leaned over. "What's the Challenge?"

The Belgian glanced at her. "Oh! You're the new girl from Canada!"

She blushed and ducked her head. "Yes."

"Which part of Canada?"

"M – Montréal, Québec."

"Cool. So anyway, the Challenge is like that: a challenge. The Axis and Allies each have one dare per year they can use to dare us anything they want. Usually, the Challenges happen in the middle of the year, but I guess they're impatient this year."

"What is the point of this?"

Laura shrugged. "It's fun. It's part of the year-long competition. There's really no prize except for bragging rights. Last year, we dared the Allies to get at least one member into the Olympics – and they actually did it."

Madeline felt nervous. "Wow." They really did take this rivalry seriously.

Amelia shrugged. "Yeah, well, last year the Allies dared one of us to win the World Karate Championship. Yao totally kicked ass."

Laura smiled. "That was an awesome year."

"Laura!"

Laura sighed. "I gotta go. My brother's calling."

* * *

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Has accepted the Allies' Challenge.

[**Helen Karpusi** _and_ **42** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** whatisitwhatisitwhatisitwhat isit?!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** TELL. NOW. OR I WILL SHOVE ARTHUR'S SCONES DOWN YOUR THROAT (thanks Ames)

[**Lovino Vargas** _and_ **5** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** :D

**Arthur Kirkland:** My cooking is not bad!

**Amelia F. Jones:** Dude. Remember that time we thought Gilbert was dead? XP

**Arthur Kirkland:** Wanker. He was probably faking.

**Amelia F. Jones:** He didn't have a pulse!

**Arthur Kirkland:** Faking.

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Alright, enough.

**Mathias Densen:** What's the Challenge?

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Well...

* * *

**#2: Hockey sticks and baseball bats go hand in hand.  
(but will they **_**stay**_** hand in hand?)**

* * *

**New Characters:  
Felka Łukasiewicz (f) - Poland  
Toris Lorinaitis (m) - Lithuania  
Ludwig Beilschmidt (m) - Germany  
Feliciano Vargas (m) - North Italy  
Sadiq Annan (m) - Turkey  
****Tino Väinämöinen** (m) - Finland  
Roderich Edelstein (m) - Austria  
Frida Steilsson (f) - Iceland  
Natalya Arlovskaya (f) - Belarus  
Carlos Machado (m) - Cuba  
Eeva Von Bock (f) - Estonia  
Laura Naertens (f) - Belgium  
Elizaveta Héderváry (f) - Hungary  
Lars Naertens (m) - the Netherlands/Holland  
Antonio Fernandez Carriedo (m) - Spain  
Tamarine Boonliang (f) - Thailand  
Lukas Bondevik (m) - Norway  
Vash Zwingli (m) - Switzerland  
Katyusha Kirilenko (f) - Ukraine  
Lovino Vargas (m) - South Italy  
Helen Karpusi (f) - Greece

**Review - or I shall get depressed and will probably lose interest and will probably turn my attention to my other stories.**

**(Seriously guys, one review for the first chapter? D':)**


	3. The Allied Powers' Challenge

**Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Allied Powers' Challenge**

**(First Arc: The Kirkland Manor) **

- September 3rd

* * *

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** The Allies had dared fifteen of us to spend the night in the Kirkland Manor.

**(Mobile) Adrian Kirkland:** ...

**Arthur Kirkland:** That old house?

**(Mobile) Felka Łukasiewicz:** Isn't it supposed to be, like, haunted?

**Mathias Densen:** Yeah XD

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Auryn Kirkland || Adrian Kirkland**

**Auryn Kirkland:** Spit it out.

**Adrian Kirkland:** ?

**Auryn Kirkland:** You're the only one of us who knows the story.

**Adrian Kirkland:** The story to what?

**Auryn Kirkland:** The manor! Something happened in the manor; bad enough to drive away our great-times-something grandfather and you're the only one who knows the entire story.

**Adrian Kirkland:** Dad knows.

**Auryn Kirkland:** He's not here right now, isn't he?

**Adrian Kirkland: **I am not telling you.

**Auryn Kirkland:** ... Fine. I guess I'll have to bring out the big guns.

**Adrian Kirkland:** ?

* * *

"What is the Kirkland Manor?" Madeline asked. "I didn't know you had a manor."

Adrian furrowed his brows, but stayed silent.

A soft wind blew through the Kirklands' garden pavilion.

After reading what Ludwig had announced on Facebook, Amelia and Francis had raced off with Gilbert, Ludwig, and a few of their friends to recruit other members for the Challenge, thus leaving Madeline alone outside the school grounds.

She had not yet memorized the way home.

It was only by pure luck that Auryn found her wandering near the edge of the town with a lost look on her face. He had promptly chided Madeline for not asking for directions and then dragged her all the way to his house for a cup of tea.

"The Kirkland Manor," Arthur finally stated, setting his cup of tea down on the saucer, "is just that: my family's manor. Two hundred years ago, for some reason or other, my great-times-something grandfather abandoned it and had another mansion built on the other side of the town. I think something bad had happened there, but I am not sure. I don't know much about it, since I've never heard the full story."

Adrian Kirkland scowled. "The full story is bollocks."

Auryn glared at him. "If it's not real, then why won't you tell us?"

"Because it's bollocks."

Auryn sighed and then smirked. "The big guns."

"What?"

Auryn smiled at Madeline. "Maddie, aren't you curious about the story?"

"Yes." She shifted uncomfortably. There was something about Auryn's stare...

Arthur said sharply, "Auryn!"

"This is the only way Adrian will talk. Come on, we both know you're itching to hear the story too."

"... Madeline, aren't you curious about the story?" Arthur smiled.

"Yes..."

Peter snickered. "Cue the doe eyes." He was rewarded with an elbow from Auryn.

"Go on," Arthur insisted.

"Wait a second." Adrian straightened.

Madeline caught on. "Oh! Um." She looked at Adrian with big, purple eyes. "Adrian, will you tell us the story, please?"

Adrian's eyes narrowed. "No. No way. That's not going to work anymore."

"Please?"

"No."

She kept staring. God, she hadn't done this in years; she hoped the big-purple-eyes thing still worked.

Fifteen seconds later, Adrian looked away. "Fine! Just stop looking at me like that!"

Auryn and Arthur shared a discreet high-five.

"I saw that," Adrian scowled.

"Maddie was always your favourite," Peter sniggered.

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Auryn Kirkland || Madeline Williams**

**Auryn Kirkland:** Canadians, fuck yeah.

**Madeline Williams:** :)

* * *

Adrian sipped his tea to wet his throat and started. "Two hundred years ago, James and Mary Kirkland lived in the Kirkland Manor with their two children: Catherine and George. Back then, the house was brand new, built deep in Wenhaven Forest. It was gorgeous. The trees weren't rotten, the pond wasn't murky, the grass wasn't dead, and the house was in the best shape of its life."

Adrian looked down at his empty cup. "They lived there for about three years before _it _appeared. Centuries ago, the grounds that the manor was built upon were actually a burial site for the tribes who roamed the forest. These tribes... They were savages. They did anything to survive – even eat one of their own."

Madeline swallowed. She wasn't the only one creeped out by the story.

"As you might have already guessed," Adrian continued, "the grounds were haunted – but not by your typical ghosts."

"It's never that simple," Auryn mumbled.

"It was midnight - September 7th - and James and Mary came home late from their trip to the other town to check on their children. What they found were all the servants mauled to death and screams reverberating from their children's rooms. Panicking, they made their way through the sea of bodies and ran up to the third floor. Halfway up the stairs, they encountered the most gruesome creature they had ever seen."

Adrian started speaking faster. "It was grey, with a large, bulbous head and a slender neck. It had eyes as black as obsidian and skin tougher than leather. It... It started chasing the couple down the stairs. The parents could have left through the open front door, but their children were still somewhere upstairs and they knew they had to get them. James distracted the thing with a kitchen knife while Mary snuck away to the third floor. She opened Catherine's door and found both of the children cowering under the bed. She coaxed them out, grabbed a long candlestick as a weapon and ran downstairs to get James.

"When she arrived, she found James's head lying on the floor, separated from its torso. The thing was still there, desecrating the body. Mary and the two kids tried to escape through the front door, but someone – presumably the thing – had locked it.

"From then on, the trio played a game of cat and mouse with the thing. All through the night, they ran around, trying to find a way out of the house, but to no avail. The thing managed to capture Mary in the den while they were resting, but the children escaped. It was nearing dawn. They went to the front doors for what had to be the hundredth time and tried the door. To their surprise, it was unlocked.

The listeners let out a sigh of relief.

"The door was heavy, so it took both of their strength to open one door. They did not notice the thing sneaking up behind them. It wasn't until George felt Catherine's blood on his back that he realized that the thing was behind him. The thing was busy with his sister's dead body, so he used whatever strength he had left to open the door and run away from the accursed manor. He told the townspeople that everyone in the house was killed by an insane murderer, but never told anyone other than his children the real story. He knew it would sound ridiculous: 'My family was killed by a giant grey monster!' He only passed the story down to his children, who passed the story to theirs, and so on until it reached me..."

Adrian looked up, an unsatisfied grimace on his face. "And that's the story of the Kirkland Manor. I told you it's rubbish."

"It may be rubbish," Auryn said, "but that's a bloody scary story." He looked pale. "And fifteen of the Axis has to spend the night in there...?"

"They don't know the story," Arthur commented. He too was pale. "They wouldn't be as scared if they did."

Madeline didn't say anything. She was too freaked out to do so.

"Compared to last year's Challenges," Auryn said, "this should be easy."

Adrian stood up and strode out of the pavilion. "If you want to spend the night in that hellhole, I won't stop you," he called out. "But I'm not going near that manor – and not even Maddie's doe eyes can change that.

* * *

**(Mobile) Amelia F. Jones || Madeline Williams**

**Amelia F. Jones:** So far, we have me, Ludwig, Gilbert, Yao, Sakura, Francis, Mathias, Feliciano, Roderich, Elizaveta, Antonio, Kyle, and Ivan going into the manor. We need two more.

**Madeline Williams:** I don't want to go.

**Amelia F. Jones:** C'mon! It'll be fun!

**Madeline Williams:** No.

**Amelia F. Jones:** Are you scared?

**Madeline Wililams: **Yes.

**Amelia F. Jones.** Well. Don't be. I'm the heroine, so I'll protect you from any ghosts!

**Madeline Williams:** But you're scared of ghosts.

**Amelia F. Jones:** Am not!

**Madeline Williams:** Besides, there aren't any ghosts in the manor.

**Amelia F. Jones:** Then what're you afraid of?

**Madeline Williams:** There's something much worse than ghosts.

* * *

- September 4th

* * *

Arthur grumbled to himself, "How did we get roped into this again?"

Madeline sighed. "Blackmail."

The fifteen people who volunteered (and got blackmailed) into spending the night in the Kirkland Manor were meeting up in Mackenzie Park to finalize all the details. All of them were sitting in a large picnic table. Someone (Amelia) had brought snacks, so quite a few of them were munching on chips, candies, and guzzling sodas like it was water.

Ludwig cleared his throat. "Are we all clear on what to do?"

A murmur of assent (and some burps) came from the teens.

"Remember, we will all meet at the manor gates at six pm, two days from now."

"This is a bad idea," Arthur muttered. "What if the story is true?"

"The story isn't true," Madeline whispered. "It's too far-fetched."

"What was that, Maddie?" Amelia asked, munching on a burger.

"Nothing."

"You know the story of the Kirkland Manor?"

"No," she and Arthur said simultaneously.

Amelia snorted. "Right, and Natalya's not obsessed with her brother." She eyed her sister suspiciously. "You said there was something much worse than ghosts in the manor."

"Never mind," she mumbled.

"I _will_ drag the story out of you," Amelia vowed. "One way or another."

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Francis Bonnefoy || Arthur Kirkland**

**Francis Bonnefoy:** You and Madeline were whispering something~

**Arthur Kirkland:** What do you want, frog?

**Francis Bonnefoy:** Amelia told me you two know the story of the Kirkland Manor.

**Arthur Kirkland:** It's none of your business.

**Francis Bonnefoy:** On the contrary, rosbif. We are going to spend the night in the manor, oui? Should we not be educated in its history also?

**Arthur Kirkland:** I'm not telling you.

**Arthur Kirkland:** It's better if I don't.

**Francis Bonnefoy:** ?

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Sakura Honda || Yao Wang**

**Sakura Honda:** I am having second thoughts.

**Yao Wang:** It is only one night. What could go wrong?

**Sakura Honda:** I heard something bad happened in the manor.

**Yao Wang:** It's probably not true.

**Sakura Honda:** Then why is it abandoned? The Kirkland family is still very much alive.

**Yao Wang:** Change of scenery...?

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Mathias Densen || Kyle Walker**

**Mathias Densen:** Should I bring my axe?

**Kyle Walker:** WTF?

**Mathias Densen:** That's a no, then.

* * *

**#3: Steve is coming~**  
**(and he's bringing all his friends...)**

* * *

**No new characters introduced.  
**

**Review!  
(Like, I'm aiming for at least two for this chapter. Plus, I need to know what you think about the written parts; does it sound dull and monotone?)  
**

**For those anonymous people reviewing: thanks :) I can't repy to you unless you leave your email though - and I don't reply to reviews through chapters.**


	4. An Ominous Clang in the Kitchen

**Disclaimer: Hetalia isn't mine.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 4: An Ominous Clang in the Kitchen**

**(First Arc: The Kirkland Manor) **

– September 6th

* * *

**(Mobile) Amelia F. Jones:** The Axis Powers are gonna PWN this Challenge!

[**Kim Nguyen** _and_ **39** _others like this_]

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Good luck!

[**Olivia Smith** _and_ **15 **_others like this_]

**Wyuna Walker:** If you see a ghost, it's probably not real XD

[**Amelia F. Jones** _and_ **14** _others like this_]

**Sienna Biancheri:** If you DO happen to run into one, make sure to run away from them – Scooby-Doo style!

[**Ivan Braginski** _and_ **14** _others like this_]

**Adrian Kirkland:** Be careful.

**Auryn Kirkland:** Oh my, is Adrian Kirkland actually worried?

[**Arthur Kirkland** _and_ **4** _others like this_]

**Adrian Kirkland:** I'm going to strangle you now.

**Auryn Kirkland:** Eep!

**(Mobile) Mathias Densen:** British people. Pffft.

[**Amelia F. Jones** _likes this_]

* * *

"Is everyone here?" Ludwig called out.

Feliciano counted heads. "Ve~ I think everyone's here."

Francis and Arthur were arguing about something (as usual) and beside them, Amelia and Madeline seemed to be discussing something important. Roderich and Elizaveta looked unhappy (as they were one of the ones who were blackmailed into the Challenge), and Yao and Sakura were both holding cute plushies along with their bags. Kyle and Mathias were comparing their new iPhones while Ivan was scaring Antonio with his intimidating stature. Gilbert was –

"Kesesese~"

– right behind his brother.

"Good." Ludwig turned and examined the building behind him.

The Kirkland Manor was huge. Spanning around eighteen hundred acres, the building had managed to retain its general structure throughout its two hundred years of abandonment. The once white walls were now stained with grey, the windows were black with dust, and the pillars supporting the front porch looked slightly cracked. Cobwebs hung from every surface, and there was a distinct smell of dampness and decay permeating the air.

"Ve~ it looks dirty," Feliciano said.

"Of course it's dirty," Kyle exclaimed. "It's been there for two hundred years!"

Francis wrinkled his nose. "I do hope it doesn't have rodents."

"I can guarantee that there will be rodents," Arthur smirked.

Ludwig pushed the creaky gates open and stepped into the brown grass of the manor. The fact that he was the first person in two hundred years to set foot in the place flitted in his mind.

"This is going to be awesome." Gilbert pushed past his brother and ran up the dusty marble steps. The rest of the group followed. The self-proclaimed Prussian tried the doorknobs, but it seemed that they were stuck in place. "Anyone got a crowbar?"

"Allow me." Ivan moved forward and pulled a long pipe out of nowhere. He promptly smashed the pipe into the lock and kicked the heavy wooden doors open. "Now we can sleep inside the house, da?"

"Da," Gilbert grumbled.

"Isn't this breaking and entering?" Antonio randomly wondered.

Arthur shrugged. "Technically, my family still owes the manor. Thus, I give you permission to break into it."

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Amelia F. Jones || Francis Bonnefoy**

**Amelia F. Jones:** Madeline told me the story.

**Francis Bonnefoy:** Fantastique! How did you do it?

**Amelia F. Jones:** Blackmail~ How else?

**Francis Bonnefoy:** You are evil, ma amie :D So what is the story?

**Amelia F. Jones:** You're not going to like it... O.O

* * *

Roderich looked around the dark living room. Yao and Kyle were putting battery-powered nightlights on every surface they could find. "Where do we sleep?"

"There's more than twenty bedrooms in the second and third floor," Arthur suggested gruffly. "Take your pick."

"Nope," Amelia said. "This is a sleepover – which means we all sleep in the same room."

Madeline rolled her eyes. "You're just scared of sleeping by yourself."

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are."

"I agree with Amelia," Francis grinned lecherously. "We should all sleep together~!"

"Hell no!" said the majority of the people.

Francis pouted. "But we must sleep together. Who knows what might lurk in the dark?" He looked at the stairway apprehensively. "Tonight is not a good night to be sleeping in the Kirkland Manor."

"No night is a good night to be sleeping in the Kirkland Manor," Arthur sneered.

"Non... Today is September 6th. We are going to be staying in the manor until September 7th."

Arthur blinked. "No, today is the fifth."

"It's the sixth," Elizaveta said, checking her phone. "It's also 6:27 pm."

"Shit."

Feliciano's head popped up from behind the couch. "Ve~ Is there something wrong?"

"No..." Arthur shook his head. _Yes. Tomorrow's the anniversary of my great-times-something grandparents' murder._ "No."

* * *

**Mei Xiao:** I hope teacher is alright.

[**Im Yong Soo** _likes this_]

**Im Yong Soo:** He'll be fine~ Aniki's breasts are mine.

**Tamarine Boonliang:** *facepalm*

**Kim Nguyen:** *facedesk*

* * *

"So!" Amelia announced cheerfully, her back to the couch. "Now that we're all settled inside a big-ass haunted house and in our PJs, let's tell some ghost stories!"

"I have one!" Gilbert yelled from his sleeping bag. "So, there was this guy called Awesome Man, and he was like this ultra-cool superhero, right? So then the villains, Dr. Piano and his wife, Mrs. Iron Pan, were planning to take over the world – "

Elizaveta hit him with her frying pan.

"As awesome as that story is, that's not a ghost story," Amelia said. "How about... the story of the Kirkland Manor?"

Arthur and Madeline exchanged frantic looks. "Amelia," Madeline said carefully, "is that a good idea?"

"It isn't fair to them," she insisted. "They _have _to know the dangers of staying in the manor."

"It's not real."

"What if it is?"

"It's not real," Arthur concurred.

"Yeah? How would you know?"

"... I'm a Kirkland?"

"Okay, pause," Mathias intervened. "What are we missing? You guys know the story?"

"Yes! I – mrrrphmph!"

"That's not a good idea," Arthur hissed, his hand not releasing Amelia's mouth.

"Mmphmphrrmph!"

"Yes, well, it's better if – Dear Lord!" Arthur snatched his hand away. "Did – Did you just _lick my hand?_"

Amelia smirked. "Ha. Ha."

"Amelia, that is disgusting!"

"Oi!" Kyle shouted. "We wanna hear the story!"

"Yeah," Elizaveta agreed. "Take your UST somewhere else, please."

"What?!" Arthur shrieked.

"We do _not_ have UST," Amelia protested. "His eyebrows are _way_ too big."

"I ought to – "

"SHUT UP!" Ludwig's thundering voice echoed in the suddenly-silent room. The German boy glared at each of them before saying, "If you don't have any stories, then I suggest we turn in for the night and get this over with."

"But I do have a story!" Amelia argued. "It's my duty as a heroine to keep you guys safe."

Ludwig rubbed his forehead. "Fine."

"Awesome." Amelia stole a flashlight from Sakura and held it under her chin in a clichéd manner. "Okay, so James and Mary Kirkland, along with their two children George and Catherine, built this new house in the middle of Wenhaven Forest..."

* * *

**Auryn Kirkland:** Do you think Arthur's dead yet?

**Aiden Kirkland:** Probably not. You know how stubborn he is.

[**Auryn Kirkland** _likes this_]

**Auryn Kirkland:** True, true :D

**Adrian Kirkland:** That's enough, you two. Go to bed.

**Auryn Kirkland:** You're not our mom.

**Adrian Kirkland:** But I AM in charge of you bairns until Mum and Dad gets back.

**Aiden Kirkland:** Whatever.

**Auryn Kirkland:** Goodnight, BIG BROTHER

**Aiden Kirkland:** Night.

**Peter Kirkland:** heh.

**Adrian Kirkland:** GO TO BED PETER

* * *

"... So then George told townspeople that everyone was killed by a lunatic, since the truth would sound kind of ridiculous. George only passed down the real story to his children, and they passed it down to their children, and it went on and on until it reached the latest generation of Kirklands. The end." Amelia beamed. Her thousand-watt smile seemed to outshine the flashlight itself.

Feliciano cowered behind Ludwig. "Ve... S – So there is a monster here...?"

"Maybe."

Ivan smiled. "What a happy story, da~?"

"You're a psycho," Amelia said bluntly.

Madeline tugged on her sister's sleeve. "Be polite."

"Well, it's true..."

"If any monsters try to eat me," Mathias hefted his axe (what the...?), "they'll get a full taste of this baby here."

"What the – I thought you weren't gonna bring that!" Kyle yelped.

"Changed my mind."

Antonio sighed. "I wish Lovino was here. I would protect him from the monster and snuggle with him all night long~!"

Yao shuddered. "TMI – aru."

Roderich pulled out his iPod and calmly scrolled through his Playlists. "That story is obviously not true."

Elizaveta didn't look so sure. Her grip on her pan was so tight, Amelia could see dents beginning to form (holy crap). "Roderich..."

"Don't tell me you're scared, Liz." Gilbert was private messaging Carlos.

"I'm not! I'm just... cautious."

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Gilbert Beilschmidt || Carlos Machado**

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Ames just told us the really creepy story of the Kirkland Manor.

**Carlos Machado:** Let's hear.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** A grey thingy killed all but one of the Kirklands two hundred years ago XO

**Carlos Machado:** Doesn't sound that scary -_-

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Because it's the abridged version!

**Carlos Machado:** Or you're a chicken.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** The awesome me is not a chicken! Besides, I don't see YOU spending the night in a goddamn manor.

**Carlos Machado:** Touché.

* * *

- September 7th

* * *

**(Mobile) Amelia F. Jones:** Goodnight, chickens~

[**Mathias Densen** _and_ **3** _others like this_]

**Sadiq Annan:** Did you just call us chickens?

**Katyusha Kirilenko:** Why...?

**Amelia F. Jones:** Cause you're not here. Seriously, this place is so friggin cool. The whole family and the servants died except for Artie's gramps!

[**Ivan Braginski** _and_ **5** _others like this_]

**(Mobile) Sienna Biancheri:** You guys are morbid.

[**Vash Zwingli** _and_ **12** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** This place has HISTORY!

**(Mobile) Elizaveta Héderváry:** This place has COBWEBS.

[**Madeline Williams** _and_ **3** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** Mah sistah betrayed me!

**Madeline Williams:** You blackmailed me.

[**Arthur Kirkland** _and_ **3** _others like this_]

**Helen Karpusi:** That's why you don't let Amelia near a camera.

[**Roderich Edelstein** _and_ **14** _others like this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** Whatev. Let's all go to sleep now. God knows what a sleep-deprived Helen looks like.

[**Sadiq Annan** _likes this_]

**Helen Karpusi:** Hey.

* * *

"Goodnight, comrades~!" Ivan snuggled deep into his sunflower sleeping bag and instantly fell asleep. For once, he didn't have to worry about Natalya sneaking into his bed in the middle of the night.

"Goodnight, Commie." Amelia and Madeline, who were wedged in between the Russian and Arthur, were sharing a big, white sleeping bag ("I'm not scared! I just want to share my warmth with you... Okay, that sounded lame, even to me.)

The living room was silent except for the teens' soft breathing and occasional rustling before –

"Amelia, I swear to God if you don't stop kicking me I will force-feed you one of Arthur's scones."

"Yes, Maddie."

"... Do you think he heard that?"

"Yes, I did."

"Sorry, Arthur."

A sigh was heard.

_Now_ the living room was silent except for the teens' soft breathing and occasional rustling before –

_Clang!_

Amelia shot straight up. "What the hell was that?"

The others had woken up too. They looked at each other, perplexed.

Yao whispered, "I think it came from the kitchen – aru."

"I as well," Sakura said quietly.

_Thump!_

Feliciano squeaked. "Luddy..."

Ludwig was too tense to correct him.

_Crash!_

"Holy crap!"

"What in the name of Elizabeth the First is that?!"

* * *

**Lukas Bondevik || Frida Steilsson**

**Lukas Bondevik:** I wonder how Mathias is.

**Frida Steilsson:** Are you worried?

**Lukas Bondevik:** Yes.

**Lukas Bondevik:** It's his turn to wash the dishes tomorrow.

* * *

**#4: Split apart like DNA**  
**(and one gets mutated)**

* * *

**New Characters:**  
**Kim Nguyen (f) - Vietnam**  
**Olivia Smith (f) - New Zealand**  
**Wyuna Walker (f) - Wy**  
**Sienna Biancheri (f) - Seborga  
Mei Xiao (f) - Taiwan  
Im Yong Soo (m) - South Korea  
**

**Remember to review! Even a couple of words will lift my spirit ;)  
**


	5. Little Children Hiding in the House

**Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Little Children Hiding in the House**

**(First Arc: The Kirkland Manor)**

– September 7th

* * *

"Dios mios!" Antonio shrieked.

"Damn," Mathias said in awe, standing up from his sleeping bag. "That is one piss-ugly monster."

The grey thing stared at them blankly.

Mathias lifted his axe. "Wanna fight the King of Scandinavia, Steve?"

"Steve?" Yao questioned, keeping his eyes on the thing.

"I don't think it'll appreciate us calling it 'Thing.' Steve's the next best thing."

"Mathias," Amelia said slowly, pulling Madeline up with her. "Do you know how to use that axe?"

"Hell yeah!"

Steve lunged.

Elizaveta yelled, "RUN!"

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Felka Łukasiewicz || Toris Lorinaitis**

**Felka Łukasiewicz:** Liet~ :D

**Toris Lorinaitis:** Felka? It's two in the morning...

**Felka Łukasiewicz:** I know. I'm just, like, wondering what's happening in the Kirkland Manor.

**Toris Lorinaitis:** They're probably sleeping.

**Felka Łukasiewicz:** I don't know~ I have a feeling they're, like, doing something MUCH more interesting~ ;D

**Toris Lorinaitis:** Felka!

**Felka Łukasiewicz:** LOL~

**Toris Lorinaitis:** Is there a purpose for this PM?

**Felka Łukasiewicz:** Not really~ I miss you~

**Toris Lorinaitis:** Goodnight.

**Felka Łukasiewicz:** Aww, nighty night~

* * *

"Oh my god, it's following us!" Arthur shrieked.

"Don't you think we know that, rosbif?" Francis shrieked back.

"Shut up and run!" Amelia shrieked to both of them.

Madeline desperately wished they all would shut up.

The newly-dubbed Steve was catching up, not even looking tired. Well, it didn't look like it was anything really. That blank expression was really creepy...

"We should split up – aru!" Yao grabbed Sakura and veered to the left branch of the hallway, Ludwig, Feliciano and Antonio following. Kyle, Mathias, Roderich, Elizaveta and Gilbert ran to the right. The remaining five – Amelia, Francis, Arthur, Madeline and Ivan – headed straight.

Steve turned left.

* * *

"It's coming – aru!" Yao yelled.

"Veeeee~!" Feliciano pulled ahead all of them, speeding into a room with an open door. "Hide here!"

The others didn't question him. They all tumbled into the room just in time for Feliciano to close the door on Steve's face and lock it.

"Ve..." Feliciano slid down to the floor with his ear pressed against the door, "... I can't hear it anymore..." He put his head in his hands. "So scary, ve..."

"Good thinking, Feliciano-kun." Sakura stood up and shakily dusted off her pyjamas. "I am not sure what you did, but that was good thinking."

"Mein Gott... We have to get out of here," Ludwig stated in a steady voice. "But first, we need to find the others."

Antonio pulled out his iPhone and started typing.

* * *

**(Mobile) Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** HAD JUST HAD THE HOLY SHIT SCARED OUT OF HIM O.o

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** Hello?

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** Is anyone awake?

* * *

Amelia, Madeline, Arthur, Francis and Ivan were all currently crammed inside a small closet.

"Ow! Someone's foot is in my back!"

"Get off me, frog..."

"F – Francis, stop doing that..."

"Je ne sais pas ce que tu parles."

"Sorry, Madlen~"

"I – It's fine, Ivan..."

A beam of light blazed from Amelia's iPhone – and they all suddenly realized how awkward their positions were.

"Iggy... Your foot's in my back."

"My apologies."

After about two minutes, they somewhat disentangled themselves and did their best to not sit on each other (but failed).

Arthur growled at Francis, "Don't sit on my lap."

"There is no space, rosbif."

"Sit on Amelia's lap."

"He's sitting in both of our laps," Amelia snapped.

"My God, are you really that fat?"

France slapped Arthur.

"It is good you are sitting on me, da~?" Ivan smiled at Madeline contentedly.

"D - Da." Madeline fumbled for her phone and started to type with shaking fingers.

* * *

**(Mobile) Madeline Williams:** Is anyone on?

**(Mobile) Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** Magdalena!

**Madeline Williams:** Antonio! Thank God you're alright.

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** Barely. Steve was after us!

**(Mobile) Gilbert Beilschmidt:** This is NOT AWESOME.

**Madeline Williams:** Gilbert!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Where are you two?

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** We're in a room... There's a piano in here...

**Madeline Williams:** Amelia, Arthur, Francis, Ivan and I are in the dining room. In a closet.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Way to go, Maddie~

**Madeline Williams:** This is not the time! Besides... Arthur and Francis in a cramped space is not a good idea.

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** Never mind Arturo and Francisco. Where's Steve?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Idk. Me and the others are in a bedroom.

**Madeline Williams:** We should meet up som,kkkkkkkkkk

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** Magdalena?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Maddie?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** FICKEN! WHAT THE HELL WHAT THAT?!

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo:** I think that was her screaming…

* * *

"Let go of me!" Madeline screamed. She tried to punch the grey thing, but her arms couldn't reach its torso.

See, she was being held upside down by her ankles.

"Hey bastard!" Amelia jumped onto the table, lifted a chair above her head and brought it down onto Steve's massive skull. "Let go of her!"

Ivan had wrenched a long pipe from one of the sinks and was now battering the arm that was holding the Canadian. "You will regret messing with the Axis Powers, da?"

Francis picked two large, rusty knives from a nearby drawer and was preparing to slash the monster –

Arthur threw a book at it.

The Frenchman looked at Arthur disbelievingly. "Really? A chair and a pipe cannot hurt the monster, and you throw a book at it?"

"What the bloody hell do you want me to do?"

"There are more knives in the drawer, mon ami. I suggest you use one of those."

"… Git." Arthur ran to the drawers, pulled out a butcher knife and threw it at Steve like one would with a dart – and missed.

Amelia threw another chair at Steve and hit its head. Without pause, Steve turned around and slapped her away with an oversized hand. Amelia crashed into a glass case housing sets of expensive china and laid there, unconscious and bloody.

"Amelia!" Madeline struggled even more, going so far as to swing herself from Steve's grip and sock it in the eye. Steven didn't even flinch. Instead, the grey thing sidestepped a tackling Arthur (who then tripped over an overturned chair) and calmly opened the door…

"Arrêtez!" Francis yelled. He threw his knife.

It stuck to its back.

Steve stepped outside the room and closed the door behind it like a civilized person.

"Gordon Bennett!" Arthur cried out, crawling over to Amelia. "I – It took Madeline!"

"Mon Dieu…" Francis, suddenly lightheaded, steadied himself against the tabletop and said, "Non, non, non…"

"Arthur!" Elizaveta ran in, followed by Mathias, Gilbert, Kyle and Roderich. She halted at the sight before her. "Wha – What happened to Amelia?"

Arthur gently placed the unconscious girl's head on his lap. "The thing happened. Did you see Steve? It just went out…"

Kyle footed a broken piece of wood. "No, we didn't. The hallway outside was empty. Mate, we'd appreciate it if you tell us the whole story."

* * *

**(Mobile) Mathias Densen:** We have a problem. Is anyone on?

**(Mobile) Yao Wang: **Yes. Where are you? We heard a scream.

**Mathias Densen:** Dining room. Amelia's unconscious and Maddie's kidnapped.

**Yao Wang:** Aiya!

**Yao Wang:** Was it Steve?

**Mathias Densen:** Wow, that name's really caught on.

**Mathias Densen:** Yeah, it was Steve. It found Amelia and the others hiding in a closet and snatched Maddie after a fight. We just moved Ames into the living room.

**Yao Wang:** Ah… We're going there right now.

**Mathias Densen:** Good.

**Mathias Densen:** Hey! If we have internet connection here, why can't we call the police? Or our parents?

**Yao Wang:** Do you really want HETALIA'S police to butt in?

**Mathias Densen:** Point.

**Yao Wang:** Arthur's parents are out of the country.

**Yao Wang:** Feliciano's parents are in an art exhibit in Italy.

**Yao Wang:** Kyle's parents are in an archeological site in Australia.

**Yao Wang:** Roderich's mom is travelling with her orchestra.

**Yao Wang:** Francis's parents are on their fourth honeymoon.

**Yao Wang:** Amelia's dad is a drunk.

**Yao Wang:** Madeline's mother had just moved to Hetalia and no one wants to traumatise her this soon.

**Yao Wang:** Need I go on?

**Mathias Densen:** No. You made your point. Our parents are useless.

* * *

"Is she going to be okay?" Arthur asked worriedly.

Francis and Feliciano, being the only two who knew first aid, were wrapping Amelia's cuts with strips of torn up blankets Ludwig and Ivan had retrieved from one of the bedrooms an hour ago. Luckily, they did not encounter Steve.

"She's alive," Francis murmured. "And this is the best we can do in our situation. We really need an ambulance – or at least tweezers. I know the back of her head has at least two shards of glass lodged deep into the skin, and her back still has small bits of glass that we weren't able to take out with only our fingers…"

Feliciano let out a distressed "Ve!"

Elizaveta whipped out her phone and dialed the emergency number. She held it to her ear and instantly, her face twisted into a frightening expression of rage. "W – What the hell?"

Roderich helped settle Amelia on the couch. "What?"

"'The number you are calling is not assigned,'" she quoted. "What the hell does that mean?"

"I believe it means that the number you are calling is not assigned," Gilbert said seriously.

Elizaveta hit him with the frying pan she had taken the time to retrieve from her sleeping bag.

Ivan, Kyle, Yao, Sakura and Antonio were finishing packing up their sleeping bags.

"I cannot wait to get out of this house – aru," Yao grumbled. "I have had enough. I do not care if we lose the Challenge, I just want to get out of here – aru…"

"No!" Amelia yelled, all of a sudden sitting up. "We can't leave Maddie here – oww…"

"Lie down," Arthur snapped. "You're still – Oh, would you look at that, now you're soaking the sheets!"

Amelia looked down at the red stain spreading on the yellow surface of her makeshift bandages. "Ow, yeah, it hurts, but Maddie…"

"We will not leave Madeline here," Francis promised. He shot a dark look at Yao. "Aren't we?"

After a brief staring contest, Yao relented. "Fine – aru. But we need to get some adults in here – aru."

"No!" Elizaveta yelped. "Um, I mean, do we really need them to get involved? We might get in trouble for breaking in, even if Arthur _did_ give us permission…"

"You told your parents you were sleeping over at Laura's," Gilbert said flatly.

"Yes," she admitted. "They're still mad about the eggs in the microwave."

"The eggs in the microwave," he drawled. "Now _that_ was awesome."

"It was stupid," Roderich disagreed. "Do you know how hard it was to clean it out?"

"Guys!" Amelia yelled. "As awesome as the eggs in the microwave was, we need to focus."

Ivan piped up. "We will hunt down Steve and bash his face in, da~?"

"Da," Amelia agreed. "We will definitely do that. But first, we need to find it."

"Ve~ Are we going to separate again?" Feliciano asked uneasily.

"We will cover more ground faster," Sakura said. "But we will also lose the advantage of strength in numbers. Five people were not enough to take down Steve-teme – "

"Language – aru!" Yao barked.

"Gomennasai."

"We'll have two groups of seven," Amelia decided. "We're stronger, and we can still cover a lot of ground."

"No," Arthur objected. "You're injured. You shouldn't be moving around."

"If we stay here, we won't get anything done. If you leave me here alone, I might get attacked by Steve. If you leave a few of you here with me, we might not be strong enough to fight Steve if it attacks. If you leave a lot of you here with me, the people searching for Maddie might not be strong enough to fight Steve if it attacks."

Arthur had no response to that.

Under Ludwig's and Amelia's instruction, they separated themselves into two groups. The first group (dubbed "Team Awesome" by Gilbert) consisted of Gilbert, Ludwig, Feliciano, Antonio, Kyle, Roderich and Elizaveta. The second group (dubbed "The Avengers" by Amelia) consisted of Amelia, Arthur, Francis, Ivan, Mathias, Yao and Sakura.

Mathias grinned and twirled his axe as he and his group went upstairs. "I want a rematch. Steve is going _down._"

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Amelia F. Jones || Ludwig Beilschmidt**

**Amelia F. Jones:** Anything?

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** No. The entire second floor seems to be empty.

**Amelia F. Jones:** Damn. Nothing on the third floor either.

**Amelia F. Jones:** I am SO gonna kill that thing.

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Focus your anger on your search. My group will search the living room. You will go search the area around the pond.

**Amelia F. Jones:** There's a pond?

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** In the backyard.

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Feliciano Vargas || Sakura Honda**

**Feliciano Vargas:** We still hadn't found Madeline :'(

**Sakura Honda:** The pond seems clear.

**Feliciano Vargas:** Luddy's telling you to meet at the living room so we can search the basement together.

**Sakura Honda:** Excellent plan.

* * *

**(Mobile/Mobile) Yao Wang || Ludwig Beilschmidt**

**Yao Wang:** THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE WATER.

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** What?

**Yao Wang:** I SAW EYES.

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Eyes?

**Yao Wang:** YES! Amelia thinks I'm hallucinating but I KNOW what I saw.

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Perhaps it was YOUR eyes that you saw?

**Yao Wang:** No!

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Alright. If we don't find Madeline in the basement, we'll try to search the pond...

**Yao Wang:** For her body?

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** Let us hope not.

* * *

"This is really creepy," Gilbert muttered. He ducked under a large cobweb and continued down the stone stairs. "I'm pretty sure Steve's heard us by now."

"Probably," Amelia agreed. "Who cares? If it tries to jump us, we'll just beat it up and force it to release Maddie."

"We will bathe the walls with blood~" Ivan said happily.

"Yeah."

Arthur sighed. "Be quiet, who knows where – Bloody hell!"

* * *

**(Mobile) Madeline Williams:** Guys?

**Madeline Williams:** Is that you I'm hearing?"

* * *

"Bastard," Kyle spat. His weapon (a bronze candlestick) gleamed under the flickering light bulb Francis had so thoughtfully turned on.

Steve was staring at them with those blank (and annoying) black eyes.

"Yah!" Yao kicked Steve with a roundhouse, but the grey thing held out a large hand and absorbed the strong blow without moving from its spot.

"This thing is not awesome," Gilbert yelled. He stabbed it with a fruit knife in a pitiful attempt to damage the skin, but the blade just sank through without drawing blood at all. Steve backhanded the German, which sent him flying to the other side of the room.

Steve turned and was about to punch a frozen Roderich when –

Feliciano kicked it in the balls.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" Steve yelled.

Wait… What?

"Shh!" Steve hissed.

Mathias narrowed his eyes. "Hey…"

Antonio frowned. "That sounds – "

" – Familiar." Amelia finished.

"Dumbass," Steve said scathingly.

"Hey!" Amelia said hotly.

"Shut up!" Steve said.

With a determined expression, Kyle ran up to the thing and jumped on its back. Steve stumbled and tried to shake it off, but the Australian was strong. He wrapped his arms around its large head, twisted it, and –

* * *

**Tino Väinämöinen || (Mobile) Berwald Oxenstierna**

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Berwald?

**Berwald Oxenstierna:** Yes, wifey?

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Don't call me that.

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Did I wake you?

**Berwald Oxenstierna:** No.

**Tino Väinämöinen:** You're lying.

**Tino Väinämöinen:** But thanks. I can't sleep. I have a feeling something's happening in the Kirkland Manor.

**Berwald Oxenstierna:** Amelia, Arthur, Francis, Ivan, Gilbert and Elizaveta are all under one roof. It is to be expected.

**Tino Väinämöinen:** True…

**Berwald Oxenstierna:** Maybe they are having a pillow fight?

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Berwald!

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Haha. I think I can sleep now. Good night – or morning.

**Berwald Oxenstierna:** Night, wifey~

* * *

**#5: Three non-magical pixies hiding under a yew tree**  
**(looked beneath the leaves)**

* * *

**Review please! At least three for this chapter is good :)**


	6. Off With the Head!

**Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Off With the Head!**

**(First Arc: The Kirkland Manor)**

– September 7th

* * *

– the head popped off.

Amelia gaped.

Antonio's eyes widened.

Kyle fell off its back.

Mathias exclaimed, "Y – You?"

"What are _you_ doing here?" Ludwig demanded.

* * *

**Eeva Von Bock || (Mobile) Regita Galante**

**Eeva Von Bock:** Are you awake?

**Regita Galante: **I am now…

**Eeva Von Bock:** I just checked Facebook and something is happening in the manor.

**Regita Galante:** Hold on.

**Regita Galante:** Btw, why are you on at four in the morning?

**Eeva Von Bock:** I was finishing my physics project early.

**Regita Galante:** Oh... Who is Steve?

**Eeva Von Bock:** My thoughts exactly.

**Regita Galante:** Should we get help?

**Eeva Von Bock:** Probably. Not from the police though. Or their parents.

**Regita Von Bock: **?

**Eeva Von Bock:** Keep looking.

**Regita Galante:** Oh. That's true. Yao has a point.

**Eeva Von Bock: **I agree.

* * *

Madeline tugged the last of the hastily-tied ropes from her body and stood up. She opened the unlocked closet door (gosh, today was really all about closets, huh?) and seamlessly joined her companions.

"You!" Amelia seethed. "I – I can't believe it!"

Wyuna Walker, Kyle's little sister, blushed furiously and looked away. "I – It wasn't my fault..."

Kyle frowned. "How the hell did you get so tall?"

"It's not just her," said another female from the costume. Wyuna climbed out of the hole in the head and another girl popped out of the opening: Sienna Biancheri.

"Sienna?" Kyle said in disbelief. "You too?"

"It wasn't our fault," she muttered.

"Is there anyone else in there?" Antonio sighed.

"Me," Carlos Machado admitted, pulling off the top layer and revealing himself to be the bottom of the monster costume. He shot everyone a dark look. "And whoever fucking kicked me in the balls..."

Gilbert narrowed his eyes. "And to think I was gonna share my pancakes from Foods with you!"

"It wasn't our fault," Carlos repeated.

Elizaveta snorted.

"No, really," Sienna murmured. "The Allies blackmailed us."

_What is it with Hetalians and blackmail?_ Madeline wondered.

Roderich raised an eyebrow. "Blackmail?"

"Yeah," Wyuna said miserably. "Last year's Christmas party at the Kirklands... You know, the one where someone spiked the punch and... yeah..."

"Oh my god," Arthur realized, "it was the Allies?"

Amelia snarled, "Bastards. They were the ones who got us grounded for getting smashed?"

Mathias nodded gravely. "Damn them."

Wyuna scowled. "They had pictures of me and Peter – "

"Of you and Peter doing what?" Arthur's eyes narrowed.

"N – Nothing!" she squeaked. She quailed under his suspicious, emerald gaze.

"Stop that, Artie," Kyle grumbled. "_I'm_ the only one allowed to mess with her."

Francis cleared his throat. "So, this means that there is no Steve, oui?"

Carlos looked puzzled. "Steve?"

"The gray thing," Madeline clarified.

Amelia jumped. "Holy shit! You're alive!" She promptly tacked her into a hug.

"Of course I'm alive..."

"The grey thing is just a myth." Carlos wriggled out of the grey costume and stood before them in a normal black shirt and jeans. "One of the Allies – that tall, ginger kid in twelfth grade? – was in Arthur's backyard – "

"_What?!"_

" – and was listening to Adrian telling the story about the grey thing. He told some of his other friends and... yeah..." Carlos gestured at Wyuna and Sienna. "Blackmailed us so they won't get caught in case, I don't know, the police come or something – "

Gilbert snickered. "Yeah, and Lars doesn't do drugs."

"_Yes, I know._ So they told us not to get caught to tell you it was them and yeah..." Carlos trailed off. He dipped his hand into a pocket and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter.

Arthur wrinkled his nose at Carlos's smoke. "So basically, they stalked me and then blackmailed you into scaring us into leaving the manor so we'll lose the Challenge?"

Wyuna nodded guiltily. She looked at Madeline and apologized, "We're really sorry..."

"I'm surprised you were strong enough to actually lift Maddie," Amelia said to Sienna, earning an offended glare from her sister.

"I'm in your weight training class," Sienna reminded her.

"You're lucky this costume's mostly made out of tough leather," Carlos muttered through his cigarette. "Bonnefoy, what were you thinking, throwing knives like that?"

"Mon Dieu, we thought you were a monster," Francis snapped.

Wyuna smiled grimly. "If it weren't for the fact that the head was made out of plastic, I would probably have a concussion right now..."

Sienna looked at Amelia apologetically. "I'm really sorry for smacking you into that glass case."

Amelia winked at her. "No prob! I'm not really hurt!"

"I can see your bandages..."

Feeling that everyone was spiralling into irrelevant topics, Madeline pulled out her iPhone and checked her Facebook.

* * *

**Madeline Williams:** All is good :)

[**Regita Galante** _and_ **2** _others like this_]

**Regita Galante:** Maddie! You're not kidnapped?

**Madeline Williams:** Not anymore.

**Regita Galante:**=D

**Regita Galante:** Who is Steve?

**Madeline Williams:** Long story short: Wyuna, Sienna and Carlos.

**Regita Galante:** ...? They kidnapped you O_O?

**Eeva Von Bock: **We are coming over.

**Regita Galante:** We as in me, Eeva, Adrian, Lovino, Katyusha and Natalya. They were the only ones awake...

**Katyusha Kirilenko:** We were all prepared to rescue you guys. We even have weapons...

**Natalya Arlovskaya:** You mean I have weapons.

**Katyusha Kirilenko:** Yes.

**Adrian Kirkland:** I'm driving Dad's minivan.

**Arthur Kirkland:** KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, IDIOT!

[**Eeva Von Bock** _and_ **4** _others like this_]

**Lovino Vargas:** BASTARD.

[**Natalya Arlovskaya** _and_ **4** _others like this_]

**Katyusha Kirilenko:** My life flashed before my eyes O.O"

**Arthur Kirkland:** Idiot.

**Adrian Kirkland:** We're here!

**Natalya Arlovskaya:** And I will see брат again...

**Amelia F. Jones:** Oh god.

[**Ivan Braginski** _and_ **13** _others like this_]

* * *

"Brat!" Natalya launched herself at Ivan, who squeaked and dove under the table. "Brat! Let's get married!" She reached under his hiding place and dragged him out. Katyusha walked in and stood in the sidelines uncertainly, as if trying to decide whether or not to rescue Ivan from Natalya (who had not had contact with Ivan for at least ten hours).

"Brat?" Madeline asked confusedly.

"It's Russian for brother," Yao explained.

"Oh..."

Madeline watched the two "siblings" interact. Ivan wasn't even close to being this scared when he faced Steve. She had seen him around, and she quickly found out that it was he who was doing all the scaring. And now, this beautiful teen wearing an old fashioned dress was terrifying the Russian into hiding under a table...

... Well, she _was_ trying to marry her own brother.

Madeline decided to go out and walk around the manor for a bit. Now that it has been established that the manor was, in fact, not haunted, she was really curious as to what the rest of the grounds looked like.

(_No_, it was not because she was getting tired of the strangeness of Hetalians… Okay, maybe a little…)

"You three were the ones who scared the shit out of my brother?" Adrian gruffly asked the Steve trio.

They nodded.

"Thanks. He needed that."

Arthur huffed.

Aiden and Auryn snickered.

"Lovi~!" Antonio charged at the Italian and wrapped his arms around him in a big hug. "I missed you~! I thought of you while I was sleeping~!"

Lovino paled. "W – What?! Get off me, tomato bastard!"

Feliciano ran up to the duo with a bright smile on his face. "Big brother~!" He hugged his brother – much the same way as Antonio did. "You're here~!"

"Let go!" Lovino howled at both of them. "Respect my personal space, dammit!"

Ludwig sighed. "Feliciano, Antonio..."

"I don't need your help, potato bastard!"

"Guys!" Mathias said loudly. "Can we ditch this place now? You can do all your lovey-dovey reunions later. It's breakfast and Lukas'll kill me if I don't wash the dishes right after."

"Wait," Adrian said loudly. "The van can only seat seven."

Pause. Mathias glared at the others and declared, "I call first ride."

* * *

Madeline fixed her eyes on the gloomy pond. It was a dark and murky like oil, and the still waters reflected the shadows of the trees like an obsidian mirror. There was nothing strange about the pond...

Except for the fact she could have sworn she saw eyes in the water.

She squatted near the edge and peered in again. All she could see was darkness and a shady imitation of her form –

The eyes opened and revealed evil, glowing black orbs.

She jerked back. _Oh my god,_ she thought frantically. _Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god – _

Forcing herself to calm down, she tried to convince herself that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. After all, no human had stepped foot into the property in a long time. Fishes could still be living and breeding in the waters. The red eyes could just be like an evolutionary thing. Sharp, luminescent eyes could help them see through the black waters... Right?

Madeline examined the surface again –

– and saw the same eyes.

She urged herself to hold its gaze.

_(... Oh my god, I'm having a staring contest with a monster...!)_

A full twenty seconds in, one of the eyes slowly blinked out and came back again.

... Did it just wink at her?

A gurgle sounded from the depths and the pair of eyes receded.

Madeline decided to go back and never speak of this to anyone.

* * *

**Lukas Bondevik || (Mobile) Mathias Densen**

**Lukas Bondevik:** You're not here.

**Mathias Densen:** Lukas

**Lukas Bondevik:** We just finished breakfast.

**Lukas Bondevik: **Yours is getting cold.

**Mathias Densen:** Cool. So I'm on my way right now, I'm hitching a ride with Adrian and the others.

**Lukas Bondevik:** We have a system. It's your turn to wash the dishes RIGHT AFTER BREAKFAST SO IT DOESN'T STINK.

**Mathias Densen:** The dishes don't stink up the sink in THAT fast!

**Mathias Densen:** Look! I'm home, Mom!

**Lukas Bondevik:** Mathias Densen... I will kill you the second you step into the apartment.

**Mathias Densen:** Hey, so I'll just go and hide in Tino's room.

* * *

**Frida Stelisson:** Mathias is hiding in my room.

**(Mobile) Lukas Bondevik:** Takk.

**(Mobile) Mathias Densen****:** For fanden da også!

**Frida Steilsson:** :P

* * *

**Mathias Densen** _poked_ **Frida Steilsson.**

**Frida Steilsson: **What?

**(Mobile) Mathias Densen:** Fuck you. Now I'm about to die.

**Frida Steilsson:** Very mature.

* * *

**Tino Väinämöinen || Berwald Oxenstierna**

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Was that Mathias screaming just now?

**Berwald Oxenstierna:** Yes.

**Tino Väinämöinen:** Good.

**Mathias Densen:** MY FAMILY HATES ME.

[**Lukas Bondevik** _and_ **21** _others like this_]

**Lukas Bondevik:** Very true.

**Madeline Williams:** That's mean.

[**Mathias Densen** _likes this_]

**Amelia F. Jones:** That's the Nordic family.

[**Ivan Braginski** _and_ **7** _others like this_]

**Adrian Kirkland:** Aye, they're messed up.

**Madeline Williams:** Nordic...?

**Frida Steilsson:** We were all born in the Nordic countries, but our parents adopted us and moved to Hetalia right after. Like the Braginskis.

**Ivan Braginski:** Da. My parents adopted Katyusha and Natalya, who are from Ukraine and Belarus respectively~

**Madeline Williams:** Oh...

* * *

- September 9th

* * *

Amelia stomped through the halls of Hetalia Secondary, a scowl on her face.

Stupid Allies.

No one blackmails the Axis (except their own members)!

And no one plots to kidnaps one of their own – especially her sister – and gets away with it!

There shall be retribution.

Get ready, Allies. Amelia F. Jones is on the move.

But first, she had to file that complaint to the hospital.

* * *

**Amelia F. Jones:** Guys~ I have a plan to get back at the Allies~

[**Gilbert Beilschmidt** _and_ **32** _others like this_]

**Madeline Williams: **Amelia...

**Amelia F. Jones:** Relax, sis. It's not dangerous. In fact, it's extremely simple and clichéd. All we need are Eeva Von Bock and Sakura Honda and we're all set. Oh, and the Kirklands.

**Eeva Von Bock:** ...?

**Sakura Honda:** ...

**Arthur Kirkland:** I don't like this plan already.

[**Sakura Honda** _and_ **2** _others like this_]

* * *

In Math class, Francis and Madeline watched with the rest of the students (and one teacher) as the school announcements on the television went static and suddenly blare out horrible music.

A big, red message erupted from the screen:

_The Axis Powers of Hetalia shall be initiating their uber-lame revenge in approximately three seconds. Thank you for your patience.  
-The Heads of the Axis Powers_

And a new message took its place:

_THE ALLIES ARE COWARDS!_

And then:

_ALLIES SABOTAGING THE CHALLENGE = AXIS SUFFOCATING YOU IN A PILE OF SHREDDED TWILIGHT NOVELS_

And also:

_Dear Allies,_

_You are revolting. Your noses do dribble from its interior and the sight of it glistening over your food at dinner causes the people around you to vomit inside their mouths._

_Sincerely,  
The Axis :)_

And another:

_Dear Person Who Masterminded the Sabotage of the Kirkland Manor Challenge,_

_By hatchet heads and hammer handles and the howling harlots of Hell, you are the most incompetent IDIOT I have ever encountered, sir! You are LOWER THAN A SNAKE'S CUNT, sir! If my dog had a face like yours, sir, hanged if I wouldn't shave his ARSE and teach him to walk backwards!_

_Sincerely,  
The Axis~_

And:

_Dearest Person Who Stalked the Kirklands a Week Ago,_

_Thou art a weenish tickle-brained strumpet. Do you know how creepy that is? Why the hell were you stalking them, anyway? Like, get a life, man. I'm sure you can buy one off of eBay._

_Sincerely,  
The Axis :D_

_PS: The Kirklands will be installing new security systems, FYI._

_PPS: Ignore that._

Finally:

_Revenge has been served.  
Thank you for your time.  
-The Heads of the Axis Powers ;)_

_PS: We totally burned the grey costume~! So suck on that~!_

Silence.

And then...

"What the hell?!" yelled an Allied student.

"Did they just call me a strumpet?" a blond Allied student exclaimed. "W – What the hell is a strumpet?!"

"Amelia is in so much trouble," Madeline muttered.

"Oui," Francis murmured. "And so are the others with her."

"Settle down, class," the teacher yelled. She glared balefully at the television. "The principal better do something about that..." The class was still snickering/simmering, so she yelled, "Pop quiz!"

That shut them up.

The teacher smiled sweetly and held up a bunch of papers. "I was going to do this anyway."

Madeline sighed and took out a pen. She was okay in Math, but she wasn't a genius like... Yao. She should have studied last night, but she was preparing for that Biology quiz –

A paper ball hit her in the head and landed on the table.

She bit her lip and after looking around discreetly, opened the paper ball:

_That was awesome. Tell Ames it was total pwnage.  
-Lars Naertens_

She rolled her eyes.

* * *

"It was awesome!" Amelia cheered. "So totally worth the two weeks of detention!"

Arthur half-heartedly glared at the blonde, but even he was smiling a little bit.

"This is the last time I'm ever helping you, Amelia," Eeva muttered.

Sakura mutedly agreed.

* * *

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** BEST. REVENGE. EVER.

[**Mathias Densen** _and_ **37** _others like this_]

**Ludwig Beilschmidt:** It was stupid.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** It was GENIUS.

**Lovino Vargas:** Damn bastards deserved it.

[**Sienna Biancheri** _and_ **27** _others like this_]

**Peter Kirkland:** No fair! I wanna see it!

**Arthur Kirkland:** No.

**Peter Kirkiland:** WHY?!

**Aiden Kirkland:** Just cuz.

**Peter Kirkland:** Jerk.

* * *

– October 23rd

**Madeline Williams** _is in a relationship with_ **Ivan Braginski**_._

**Amelia F. Jones:** WHAT THE FUCK?!

[**Natalya Arlovskaya** _and_ **47** _others like this_]

* * *

**(Danish) For fanden da også! – Oh for fuck's sake! (I Googled it and clicked on the first website I saw – which was a list of Danish insults. Apparently, that's the translation XP)**

**"Brat" is apparently how you pronounce "brother" in Russian. If it's wrong, please correct me so I can recitify the mistake. I know zero about the Russian language.**

**The Twilight and nose-dribbling insults are courtesy of Shadow Moonseye and Moon Ray respectively. I forgot which random forum I found it on, but I Googled creative insults and I clicked the second link.  
The fancy insult with the snake's cunt is courtesy of (apparently) George Washington (as quoted in "Coincidance" by Robert Anton Wilson).  
The Shakespearean insult – I found that little list of insulting words, strung it together, and it resulted in the abovementioned insults.**

**... Yeah. I just can't insult anyone. When I started writing that part, my mind went completely blank.**

**So anyway, I'm almost losing faith in this story. In fact, I almost forgot that this chapter had been finished for a month now. Please review~!**


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